I’m just close to 11 months post-partum and I’ve come out of the fog that is parenthood so far. My best friend who has a little one herself but a year ahead of where I’m at, has guided me through this first year of postpartum. From knowing that falling in love with your baby when you first see them is not always the case. That it can be hard to love something when you’ve only just met them in person for the first time. They can’t speak, they don’t really have much of a personality and to not feel that instant love and connection is normal.
The fog is also normal. Those days, weeks, and months that feel like your entire existence is gravitating around your little one. You attend family get-togethers, see friends, and attend events, all smiling but internally you’re on auto drive. You’re there but you’re not there. There’s an incredible feeling of isolation, even when you’re surrounded by friends and family. No one is feeling what you’re feeling day in and day out and that’s hard.
Your whole world has changed, your old self has gone but you’re desperate to get YOU back again. You feel lost. I recently had a moment between myself and my husband when I just felt down. He eventually coaxed it out of me and I said ‘I just feel lost’.
The truth is, I’ve felt lost for a long time postpartum. Being a mum for me is the easy part but it’s the mental part of it, along with the expectation and need to come back to reality and continue life as it was before I had the baby. That expectation by the way was mostly pressured by myself and what I thought had to happen in a certain timeframe.
I am a workaholic who loves to work. I’m just not the type of person who is happy and content with not working. However, that’s what happened throughout my maternity leave. Even with baby groups and 95578385 weddings that we attended this year, I felt completely and utterly lost in who I was and now am.
I’m just close to 11 months in and only now do I feel like the path has been brushed clear. There’s a light where I can just make out that path and I’m feebly stumbling forward. This post is really just for the mums and parents out there who are feeling lost in themselves. Whether you’re back at work, not back at work, taking a change of direction by becoming a stay-at-home mum, or being thrust into a new job because your old one no longer fits you and your family. Just know this, you may feel lost now but you will find yourself again.
This is a temporary feeling and one that you will adapt to eventually. It may take more time than it took me. It might take less. I now understand why some parents only want one child. They can’t cope with losing themselves again.
I know that I want and hopefully will have more children in the future. Understanding my postpartum journey with my first child will hopefully make it easier to navigate it through my second. But I’m also hyper-aware that every child is different. Two children are different from just one. However, knowledge is power and everything I’m learning helps me prepare somewhat for the future.
Have you dealt with postpartum recently? Let me know your postpartum journey in the comments below. If you’re struggling with postpartum depression or feeling low or different from your usual self, please seek help and guidance.
